Author: Jeff Taylor

A 90 minute cautionary tale

April 20, 2007by Jeff TaylorLeave a comment

On Tuesday I watched Beer League starring Artie Lange who is currently making the Howard Stern show on Sirius must listen radio, and almost, by itself justifies the purchase of Sirius. I didn’t have very high hopes for Beer League as most of Stern’s fans pretty much took a shit on it, but they can be ball breakers of epic proportions and I like Artie, so it was worth the Netflix shot.

The Stern fans are mostly right. It’s not great. It has some funny moments, but on the whole doesn’t get it done. Though I gotta say, the fact that at the end of the movie, the entirely negate the premise of the movie is pretty great.

It’s the story of a fat, drunk Italian from Jersey who is in a slow pitch softball league, against the Italian version of Billy Zabka. Because these two guys, and their teams hate each other and get into a brawl during the first game of the season, the town sheriff basically says, that’s enough you guys fight too much. Only one of you can play in this league next year. So, whoever wins the league stays, the other is banned. The low stakes are appropriate as it’s about all these guys could get themselves up to care about. It’s also funny that an entire movie is built around the idea that it’s worth telling a story where so little is on the line. After all, how hard would it be to play in a different league?

Artie (and here I’m speaking of the character. I gotta respect anyone who pulls the Tony Danza card and plays a character with the same first name, just to make things easier all around) is a big fat slob. He’s a recovering coke addict, who eats too much, drinks too much, and basically has no direction in life. I see no parallels here to the life of Artie Lange, except all of them.

Here’s where it’s hard to watch this movie. Here’s a picture of Artie when he made this movie. He’s not exactly Michael Phelps, but still. Here’s a picture of Artie now. He’s pushing 300 pounds now, and as I watched him run the bases the only thing I could think was, "There’s no way he could even run to first now, much all the way around." It sucks a little bit of the funny out of a movie, when you’re fairly certain the baby gorilla in the starring role is now 100 pounds heavier, and is, in real life, what happens to people who live the way his character in the movie lives. God, it’s sad.

To Err is Human, to forgive is five

April 20, 2007by Jeff TaylorLeave a comment

Today with my Kindergarteners I was trying to plug in new headphones for one of the boys. As I reached to pull the tower forward I accidentally hit the power switch, turning off his computer.

I said, "Oh, I accidentally turned it off."
He said, "That’s OK."
I said, "We’ll get it turned right back on. That’s my fault."
He said, "Don’t Worry."

I’ve never been so sincerely comforted by a child. He really, really, didn’t want me to feel bad. I couldn’t help but laugh a little.

For people who love AWESOME!

April 12, 2007by Jeff Taylor1 Comment

Deana sent me this link last week. I waited almost a week to watch it. I am making this face 😦 because I waited six whole days to watch it. Don’t you make the same mistake. I want you to make this face 🙂 not the face I made 😦

Clarksville = Baghdad

April 10, 2007by Jeff Taylor2 Comments

When I was younger the license plates in Indian said "Wander Indiana." I remember this because these stupid frakking license plates made me the get the word "wonder" wrong on a 4th grade spelling test. You have no idea how mad I was about this, but Mrs. Bemiss was hearing none of my objections.

I don’t know what the motto was a month ago, as I live in Illinois. My guess is "Now with Daylight Savings Time!" but don’t quote me on that. But as of April, and Congressman Mike Pence’s visit to Iraq. After visiting a Baghdad marketplace under heavy (and by heavy I mean the rough equivalent of what an elephant would weight under the increased gravity of the Red Kryptonian sun) military protection he compared it to "a normal outdoor market in Indiana in the summertime."

Pence is from Columbus and went to Hanover. I’ve been to both of those places. I’ve not been to Iraq. Either I have a very different image of Iraq in my head than what is actually there (not frakking likely) or Mike Pence had a traumatic childhood and in his warped, broken mind the famous (at least to locals) architecture of Columbus and the rolling green hills of Madison look very much like the desert and the constant suicide bombings and gun fire remind him of the sound of speed boats on the river. It seems the latter is far more likely.

All of this has lead to the worst state motto since the Texas State Motto "No Presidential Assassinations in Over 40 years" *

"Indiana, just like Baghdad."

Though in fairness it’s also considered a sin to draw pictures of Indiana’s state prophet, Dick Lugar.

* credit to Al Franken

Ballad of A Fat Man

April 10, 2007by Jeff TaylorLeave a comment

I just got back from my first workout with a personal trainer. Sweet Jumpin’ Jesus on a Hippity-Hoppity, I’m in bad shape. This is not something that should come as news to anyone who knows me or, to their great horror, seen me sans shirt. So, I met with a personal trainer today to give his services a try. I’m writing about for one very simple reason. If the world knows I’m doing this then it’s harder to slip on it. I’m at the point where I need the external motivation I can get. That way when I would rather play video games than go to the gym, I’ll have to tell everyone about it, and it’ll be harder to get away with being lazy.

So here it is. Day One. I went in, he put me on the treadmill at 3.1 MPH at a 10.5 degree incline. At this pace, just above a walk, it took only 7 minutes to get my heart rate to 160. Not a great start. It gets better. After he handed me the medicine ball and had me jog to one end of the row, something like 20 feet, squat, turn around and run back. After one complete cycle of this my knees felt like they were going to explode. We then went immediately to push-up. I got through 20 before he stopped me. I probably could have squeezed out 5 more, but I didn’t have to. Then on to the exercise bike. It was at this point that things started to go bad. I couldn’t get my breath. I probably did 10 minutes or so on the bike before he got me off it. Then it was on to the curls. I did twenty of these. At this point the light headedness set in. Based on the grip he started to show me I think French curls were next. That being the case, I surrendered.

I was basically too lightheaded to go on. I slumped to the ground, and sat there to catch my breath. He got me Gator-Ade, I tried not to let my breakfast retreat the way that it entered, and we called it a day.

Now, something like an hour later I’m feeling much better. My food is where it should be, and I have my breath. I also have my motivation. So, a journey of a thousand cramps begins with a single horrible workout.

So, something is happening, but I don’t know what it is.

Even Geeks think this is geeky

April 8, 2007by Jeff TaylorLeave a comment

I spent an evening with a few other couples the other night, and of the men in the group I was by far the least geeky. I have my geek tendencies, so calling someone a geek isn’t necessarily an insult. In fact, I’d say that most geeks where this moniker proudly. Here are some clues as the geek factor of this bunch. I’m saving the best for last, and mind you this is not an indictment of anyone, except maybe the last comment. That was too much even for me.

1.) I was the only one there who doesn’t program computers or work in hardcore IT. I only teach technology at a grade school.

2.) The conversation that got the table going the most, myself included, was about Buffy, Battlestar Galactice, Sci-Fi in general, and the Dark Tower.

3.) I started that conversation by bringing up the Buffy comic book.

4.) We talked about LEEEEEEEEEEROOOOOOOOOOOOY JENKINS!

5.) There were World of Warcraft players in the mix.

6.) And this is maybe the geekiest thing ever said by anyone who wasn’t speaking Klingon. I think we were talking about how long some had been doing something, like maybe living where they lived. One of the men in this group said, "I’ll tell you how long ago that was. The Dune books were still being written by their original author."

I have no idea when the Dune books stopped being written by their original author. I’m not completely sure I knew there was a series of Dune books, but at this point, my brain got angry and said, "That’s it. I’m outa here."

Out Geek that, if you can.

What happens in Vegas…

April 8, 2007by Jeff TaylorLeave a comment

… Ends up on this blog. At least when I go there with my wife.

I had a few fantastic conversations this past weekend in Las Vegas. They could have happened anywhere and have pretty much nothing to do with being in Vegas, but this is where I was when I met these people.

As part of my Vegas ritual, doing something two times in a row makes it a ritual, we went to the In ‘N Out Burger. And while I’ll admit there are some good burgers there, I was in GI distress for pretty much the rest of that day. Not the point. We were sitting there eating next to this other couple from Texas. The "him" in this couple reminded me a great deal of my uncle Pat. We talked about the normal vacation stuff, where you’re from, what brings you to town, all of this stuff. We tell him the reason for the visit to the In N’ Out is 100% Lebowski related. He doesn’t react as though he’s seen the movie, which is a shame, but based on the following conversation is probably better for him.

Texas Uncle Pat: "That’s a pretty good reason to eat somewhere."
Laura: "My dad took us to the diner from the Blues Brothers."
TUP: "I didn’t like that one. Too much cursing (my clue that he would not like the Big Lebowski). I did like the Blues Brothers 2000 (my clue that he would not like anything funny).
Me: "The music is really good in both, but yeah, there’s a lot of cursing in original."
TUP: "You know the show the Munsters?"
Laura doesn’t hear what he says and looks confused so I do my Herman Munster impression. He goes on to tell us about this guy in a town near his who built a 1313 Mocking Bird Lane replica and how they open it up to tourists, etc.

Any Munster’s reference brings to my mind Apu’s question to Butch Patrick "If your mother was a vampire, and your father was a Frankenstein, why are you a wolfman?"

I say this to Laura and TUP laughs, and says

"I never thought of that. That is a really good point. I’ll never be able to watch that show again without thinking of that."

I cited my source for the line so as not to take undue credit.

So, the end result of this story is I went to eat a movie related hamburger and ended up ruining the Munsters for some poor guy from Texas.

Vegas is awesome!

I be done seed ’bout e’thing

April 3, 2007by Jeff TaylorLeave a comment

There are people in this world who I thought could never surprise me. Some because they are so consistent in their behavior that you pretty much get what you expect. I would put Phil Hellmuth in this category, as just one example. Some because they are completely insane and you should expect whatever insane thing they do next. Britney Spears, hell, almost anyone who regularly makes the tabloids, for example.

The emperor of the latter group would have to be Keith Richards. This is what I thought before this afternoon. Turns out Keith can still shock the hell out of me. When Dennis Leary said that Keith had already done all the drugs, well, he was wrong. This is why.

Keith Richards is officially the craziest fucking person on the planet.

Cautious Optimism

April 2, 2007by Jeff Taylor1 Comment

This morning I did something that, let’s say seven years ago, I would have been very excited to do. I tuned in, for the first time, to the Dennis Miller radio show. I did this with one eye closed, the other squinting and my head turned away from the computer. I was more apprehensive than Gerry Fleck at his Dancing with the Stars audition.

The problem with Dennis is that somewhere around 9/12/01 he moved from being a pragmatic centrist with a razor sharp wit and more pop culture references than Sanjaya has mock votes to a reactionary right wing apologist who sadly, lost the funny.

Before this transformation I would have been really excited to get to hear him every day on the radio, riffing on the headlines of the day. Now, when it comes to Dennis Miller, I’m pretty much like any Mike Tyson fan. I remember fondly when he was the best in the game, and even though he hasn’t shown anything near that ability in a looooong time I still tune it, with the hope that he’ll deliver the one punch that will bring him back to prominence. I don’t really expect it to happen, but in the part of my brain where memories and hope combine to make a Panglosian reality, I think I’m gonna get what I really want.

I tuned in this morning and, while he didn’t throw any knock-out punches, he didn’t sit there in the corner as the bell rang to start the round, looking broken and defeated either.

I’m not really on board with his politics any more, but as long as he finds the funny again, we cool.

As an example of finding the funny. Today, while talking about drilling in Alaska, he compared it to the fridge in the garage. It’s cold, it’s out of the way and it’s full of goodies. It’s time for us to go there and grab some Gino’s Pizza rolls, cause the game is on.

Not a big fan of the idea, but I like the analogy.

Anyway, here’s hoping, cha cha.

Rematch

March 31, 2007by Jeff TaylorLeave a comment

With the NCAA Finals set for Monday. It’s Florida vs. Ohio State. This means that the same two schools who played for the football championship this year will also play for the basketball championship.

I’m going with the Packer Method on this one, because I tried to look it up, but it gave me a head ache. I think it’s a safe statement that it has never happened that the same two schools have played for the championship in the same year. I’m going out on a limb here and saying that no two schools who have played for the NCAA football championships have ever faced off for the NCAA men’s championship. In any year. Ever. I’d be really surprised if I was wrong about this. My knowledge of football records is lacking, but think about the last 30 or so NCAA men’s champions. How many of those schools even have football titles?

1977 Marquette – Nope
1978 Kentucky – Nope
1979 Michigan State -Nope
1980 Louisville – Nope
1981 Indiana – God No
1982 North Carolina – Nope
1983 NC State – Nope
1984 Georgetown – Nope
1985 Villanova – Nope
1986 Louisville
1987 Indiana
1988 Kansas – Nope
1989 Michigan – Yeah, but I guarantee they didn’t play Seton Hall in any of those football games
1990 UNLV – Nope
1991 Duke – Nope
1992 Duke
1993 UNC
1994 Arkansas – Nope
1995 UCLA
1996 UK
1997 Arizona – Nope
1998 UK
1999 Connecticut – Nope
2000 Michigan St.
2001 Duke
2002 Maryland – Nope
2003 Syracuse
2004 UConn
2005 North Carolina
2006 Florida -Yep, but I don’t think they’ve ever played UCLA for a title

Which brings us to now. So, Michigan and Florida are the only two possibilities in the alst 30 years. I don’t know if UCLA ever won a Football title, but that takes care of the previous ten years, with the exception of Indiana, NC State and UTEP.

There I just put about 10 minutes more effort into proving my blanket statement than is necessary to make an assertion using the Packer Method. I’d love to know if I’m wrong about this, so if someone either knows off the top of their head or feels like looking up whether two schools who have played for the basketball title have ever played for the football title I’d be interested.

Also, go Big Ten. Go Buckeyes.