The Transformers Make No Sense

A new Transformers movie is out. Or so I’m told. I won’t be seeing it.

In part, because these movies are noisy garbage where I honestly can’t tell what’s happening because all the giant robots look like grey metal banging into each other and into buildings. I went to see the first movie in 2007 and left having no idea what I’d seen aside from Megan Fox bending over a motorcycle. That I knew I’d seen (unless that was in the trailer for the second movie).

In the cartoon of my youth, where there were robots that were both in disguise and more than meets the eye, I could easily tell who was who. They were distinguished with easily identifiable character traits, voices, sizes, and colors. The 2007 movie was one grey things hitting another grey thing. There were gears and sometimes a splash of yellow.

Also, in the cartoon of my youth, the Autobots held a dance party to “Weird” Al’s song, Dare to be Stupid. So, there is that as well.

But here’s the real issue with the Transformers. Because I liked playing with the toys and watching the 30 minute commercial for more toys disguised as a TV Show (commercials in disguise), it never occurred to me that the TRANSFORMERS MAKE NO SENSE.

Let me point out the obvious, or what should be obvious.

The Transformers, Autobots and Decepicons alike all came to Earth from another planet, Cybertron, where they were possibly created by the Quintessons. The Autobots were the workers, the Decepticons were the military robots. This backstory was never really nailed down and shifted quite a bit. I just put it in here to prove that I went to Wikipedia to look this up before coming here to tell you that Transformers make no sense.

Here’s the part that makes none of it make any sense.

There was never a useful reason for them to transform.

They were all from another planet populated almost entirely by robots that could transform into other types of machines. Why? What benefit is there to being a robot that can transform into another type of machine if every other robot or machine you see can also turn into a robot or another type of machine. That’s only helpful camouflage if most machines don’t turn into robots.

None of the Transformers, while living on their home world, would be in disguise or more than meets the eye. They would be exactly what met the eye, yet another robot that could turn into another robot.

There is zero benefit to this for any of them.

They aren’t fooling anyone.

They’re only in disguise when they land on a planet in the stone age that will eventually have the technology to match the types of machines they turn into. When they landed on earth, they were robots that looked like cars, guns, semi-trucks, cassette decks, and construction equipment. They had to wait until 1985 for those disguises to have any benefit at all, and they’d have to a. really believe that these disguises would pay off eventually, and b. be super patient to wait for that day to come.

Prior to their 1985 awakening on Earth, there was no benefit on Cybertron or on Earth to being a shape-shifting robot.


Why would the Quintessons go to the trouble of creating two different types of shape-shifting robots and then providing them sentience? And if they weren’t created by the Quintessons, but rather gained consciousness from the Creation Matrix or Vector Sigma (see! more proof I looked this up!) what’s the benefit of being able to transform?

There isn’t one.

Aside from 8-12 year old boys in 1985 thinking it was super cool for a car to transform into a robot.

So, there you have it. The Transformers make no sense. Their ability to transform served no purpose on their home planet, and never would as far as any of them knew.

And yet, they transformed.

Now, who’s daring to be stupid!?



We went to see The Dark Knight last night, we didn’t get to see it because the power on the whole block went out about ten minutes before it was supposed to start. They had to give out rain checks to everyone in every theater and send us all home. As annoying as it was at least we weren’t in the middle of the movie when it happened.

Not the point of this post though. While we were waiting to go into the theater (we were probably 40 people deep in line) a teenager got in line about ten people behind us dressed as Joker.

His friends all arrived and thought he looked pretty bad-ass.

The whole thing made me sad and disappointed in teenagers today and not for the reason you may think.

If you care enough about Batman to get dressed up in full Joker attire how are you not the first guy in line?

You are committed enough to go to walgteens to buy all the stuff, cover your face in the make up and dye your hair, but you aren’t committed enough to show up early enough to be near the front of the line?

It’s symptomatic of a greater laziness. Kids used to have to drive to different cities, hours away, to sit in line for hours, possibly overnight just to get tickets to see their favorite band, now guys feel it’s enough effort just to dress up in character. And your friends are impressed, even though you couldn’t leave home 20 minutes earlier to be first in line.

Kids today are pussies.

The only possible reason I could think of for what I went through last night

Chicago –
In what can only be described as two sides that are on opposite ends of an issue failing to reach an acceptable compromise, local Walgreens owners and police are at a stand still over the controversial, Less-Smelly-Criminal program instituted in the 9th ward over a year ago.

"It seems like overkill to us. I mean, there are ways we can both be happy here, and they’re just kind of being dicks about it, "said a source inside the police department.

The LSC was put in place after years of complaints by local law enforcement about the overwhelming odor emanating from the underarms of suspected criminals. The short of it is that criminals were receiving reduced sentences, or in some cases free passes for lesser offenses if the suspects could produce proof that they possess deodorant.

An unintended consequence of this program was a sudden and startling rise in the left of deodorant from local Walgreens stores. The police were loath to apprehend these criminals as these thefts made their job infinitely more pleasant, but shop owner soon had had enough.

In response to this situation Walgreens owners have put all of their deodorant, except for the aerosol cans behind locked glass. When asked for a comment about why the aerosol cans were left unguarded, the night manager said that there was an error made when the cases were ordered.

Now, if one wants to purchase deodorant from Walgrees, customers must press a little green button which activates an alarm in the store "ASSISTANCE NEEDED IN DEODORANT!" This announcement repeats until an associate with a keys comes and unlocks the case.

Local police have requested that the Walgreens owners rely on their video surveillance system, or at the very least, move the deodorant to the back of the store.

"At this point, we’ve spent so much money on these cases we’re kind of stuck with them. We feel bad that the cops are once again having to deal with these malodorous criminals, but here we are.

If this helps just one person…

As part of my long overdue trip to the grocery store today I stopped into GNC to buy my protein shakes (which my 6th graders refer to as my chorro shake. The even made up a song about it. It was annoying but they aren’t wrong about how it looks.) On my way into the store I noticed a sign on window advertising a special service offered at this GNC.

Notary Public

I walked in and the salesperson said,
"How are you today?"
"Fine. Hey, do you get much call for that notary public thing?"
Long confused pause, which I attribute to the fact that not one person has ever asked anyone who works there about their notary service.
"I don’t know that we’ve ever had anyone request it."
"That’s pretty much what I thought."

So, if you need a colon cleanser and something notarized, it is your one-stop-shopping lucky day.