A new Transformers movie is out. Or so I’m told. I won’t be seeing it.

In part, because these movies are noisy garbage where I honestly can’t tell what’s happening because all the giant robots look like grey metal banging into each other and into buildings. I went to see the first movie in 2007 and left having no idea what I’d seen aside from Megan Fox bending over a motorcycle. That I knew I’d seen (unless that was in the trailer for the second movie).

In the cartoon of my youth, where there were robots that were both in disguise and more than meets the eye, I could easily tell who was who. They were distinguished with easily identifiable character traits, voices, sizes, and colors. The 2007 movie was one grey things hitting another grey thing. There were gears and sometimes a splash of yellow.

Also, in the cartoon of my youth, the Autobots held a dance party to “Weird” Al’s song, Dare to be Stupid. So, there is that as well.

But here’s the real issue with the Transformers. Because I liked playing with the toys and watching the 30 minute commercial for more toys disguised as a TV Show (commercials in disguise), it never occurred to me that the TRANSFORMERS MAKE NO SENSE.

Let me point out the obvious, or what should be obvious.

The Transformers, Autobots and Decepicons alike all came to Earth from another planet, Cybertron, where they were possibly created by the Quintessons. The Autobots were the workers, the Decepticons were the military robots. This backstory was never really nailed down and shifted quite a bit. I just put it in here to prove that I went to Wikipedia to look this up before coming here to tell you that Transformers make no sense.

Here’s the part that makes none of it make any sense.

There was never a useful reason for them to transform.

They were all from another planet populated almost entirely by robots that could transform into other types of machines. Why? What benefit is there to being a robot that can transform into another type of machine if every other robot or machine you see can also turn into a robot or another type of machine. That’s only helpful camouflage if most machines don’t turn into robots.

None of the Transformers, while living on their home world, would be in disguise or more than meets the eye. They would be exactly what met the eye, yet another robot that could turn into another robot.

There is zero benefit to this for any of them.

They aren’t fooling anyone.

They’re only in disguise when they land on a planet in the stone age that will eventually have the technology to match the types of machines they turn into. When they landed on earth, they were robots that looked like cars, guns, semi-trucks, cassette decks, and construction equipment. They had to wait until 1985 for those disguises to have any benefit at all, and they’d have to a. really believe that these disguises would pay off eventually, and b. be super patient to wait for that day to come.

Prior to their 1985 awakening on Earth, there was no benefit on Cybertron or on Earth to being a shape-shifting robot.

None.

Why would the Quintessons go to the trouble of creating two different types of shape-shifting robots and then providing them sentience? And if they weren’t created by the Quintessons, but rather gained consciousness from the Creation Matrix or Vector Sigma (see! more proof I looked this up!) what’s the benefit of being able to transform?

There isn’t one.

Aside from 8-12 year old boys in 1985 thinking it was super cool for a car to transform into a robot.

So, there you have it. The Transformers make no sense. Their ability to transform served no purpose on their home planet, and never would as far as any of them knew.

And yet, they transformed.

Now, who’s daring to be stupid!?