Category: Sports

Why the new Battle of the Network Stars Makes Me Sad

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A couple of weeks ago I was gifted with something I’d thought I’d wanted for years now. After being reminded a few years ago of the glory of Battle of the Network Stars – a series of specials that ran on ABC from the mid-1970s through the mid-1980s where TV celebrities competed against one another in various athletic competitions in a combination of knee-high tube socks, track shorts, and shirts that cling tightly when wet – I questioned aloud, both privately and publicly, why we couldn’t have a new version of this in our lives now.

Can we really call the time we live in “Peak TV” without a modern-day version of the greatest idea in all of television.

ABC revived the concept this summer and I stumbled across it while on vacation at my mother-in-law’s house in Florida where the cable package was determined based on three factors – cost, HBO, and the presence of as many Home Shopping Channels as are allowable by law.

I was thrilled. Long stays at houses with no wi-fi and scant cable options are the perfect places to watch celebrity “athletic” competitions.

I’ve now watched two of the three that have aired and I find myself trying to answer the question of why this new version of this makes me sad while I watch it.

Here’s what I’ve come up with.

First, it’s not a “In my day, things were better. And also, Millennials” type of thing. This new version is objectively and objectionably worse.

What follows are all the problems this version has in comparison to the original and some suggestions for how those problems can be fixed.

Two teams, not three

Problem

In the original version there were three teams set in competition with one another. One for each of the networks, ABC, NBC, and CBS. This made a ton of sense. The battle was of the network stars and these were the only three networks.

In this version, there are two teams and they are thematically grouped. For example, a team of TV Lawyers faced off against a team of TV White House employees.

This second version is intrinsically worse. I get why they needed to come up with a different way to group the contestants, what with there being about 1000 networks, plus streaming platforms. But, these groupings are at best arbitrary, and at worst non-sensical. TV Lawyers have no reason to battle TV Whitehouse people. Lots of the TV Whitehouse people were also TV Lawyers, either because they were White House Counsel, or because they played lawyers on other shows. But aside from that, Lawyers and Whitehouse people are not naturally in conflict with one another. ABC, NBC, and CBS are in competition with one another outside the confines of this show.

Even if it doesn’t make sense for Lynda Carter to be battling Gary Burghoff in a relay race, you can pretend it does because they are fighting for the honor of their networks.

On top of that, the three team dynamic works much better. The three teams battled against each other, gaining points in each event. The top two teams went on to face off in the Tug-of-War finale. All the points mattered if you wanted to reach the end and not get eliminated.

Then the Tug-of-War mattered.

Now there’s a Tug-of-War, but both teams compete in it. It doesn’t feel like a climax to the event. It’s the same as all the other events.

Solution

Go back to three teams and get rid of the gimmicky groupings. How about Network v. Cable v. Streaming? These platforms, or distribution methods or whatever you want to call them are actively competing against each other for our attention and our entertainment dollars.

It still doesn’t make sense for Taylor Schilling to get in a dunk tank while Peter Dinklage throws baseballs at a target, but Netflix v. HBO is a real thing. Let’s use it.

This also solves the three team problem and gets us back to having a Tug-of-War that matters, dammit!

No crowd

Problem

During the original run of the show, the three teams of celebrities faced off against each other in front of a crowd of spectators. In the background of every shot a crowd of on-lookers was cheering, shouting, making noise. It felt real, live, and fun.

Watching Game Kaplan blows Robert Conrad’s doors off on the track field in front of a raucous crowd is fun. Watching them do it by themselves is kind of sad.

Solution

Bring back the crowds! This thing needs energy, not seclusion. Mr. T is someone who should be in front of a crowd, not someone playing tennis in isolation. We need the TV stars playing to the crowd and having fun.

With a crowd – silly and joyful. Without a crowd – Sad and lonely.

10 total competitors v. 30

Problem

The original teams had 8-10 competitors each, depending on the season. This thing has two teams of five. When you put 30 people around a track with a crowd of spectators there’s so much activity happening, the competitors are interacting with each other, they’re cheering and being loud.

Eight people standing next to a pool with no crowd looks like nothing. It feels like nothing. It sounds like nothing. It’s nothing.

Solution

Obviously, three teams – more competitors. There are more TV shows currently streaming or airing right now than in the decade of BotNS original run combined. We can’t get 30 people to do this all at once?

And that’s another issue. It’s a totally different show if current TV starts are competing against each other than former TV stars competing against each other. The original show had in-their-prime Farrah Fawcett, Catherine Bach, Mr. T, Billy Crystal, Erin Grey, Scott Baio, Michael J. Fox, Lisa Bonet, Phillip Michael Thomas, and Heather Locklear among others. This version has present day Willie Ames.

Watching Charles In Charge Willie Ames fail at tennis is fun. Watching 57-year old Willie Ames fail at tennis is less fun.

Give me Pauley Perrette v. Evan Rachel Wood!

No Simon Says

Problem

In the original show they got all the competitors up at once while Lou Goldstein called out a fast-paced and funny game of Simon Says. The stars looked very silly, but also like they were having a legitimately good time.

Now, no Simon Says. In part, because I think Lou Goldstein is long dead, but also because Simon Says with 30 people is so much more fun than Simon Says with 10.

But the Simon Says issue is symbolic of a larger problem. In this current version, the stars don’t seem like they’re having this level of fun. There’s nobody messing with them like Lou Goldstein did.

Simon Says looked organic, chaotic, and fun. That cannot be said of anything happening in this version.

Solution

Ideally, 30 people playing Simon Says by a Catskill’s entertainer. Failing that, a big group game where the stars look silly, normal, flawed, and are busted on a bit.

The Cosell Problem

Problem

Howard Cosell provided the play-by-play for the original Battle and Cosell had the reputation and gravitas to provide an incredibly sincere voice to this most ridiculous of proceedings.

There may be no funnier sentence ever uttered on television than, “It seems controversy has beset Battle of the Network Stars.”

Cosell is presently no longer living and has been replaced by Mike Greenberg, who is doing his best, but he isn’t Cosell. No one is.

The gap between their ability to bring earnestness to the competition is made even wider by the fact that it’s not possible to tell for sure if Greenberg is even present while the competition is happening.

Cosell was down in the midst of the stars as they celebrated, argued, and insulted each other with racial slurs (Robert Conrad). It’s very possible that Greenberg is narrating the games after they’ve all been completed from a sound booth somewhere.

Solution

Greenberg needs to be down with the competitors, treating this competition as if it were life and death. He can’t seem like he finds any of this dumb, even though it’s incredibly dumb.

He’s never going to be able to go full Howard, but he can get closer.

Nothing About This Feels Organic

Problem

When you watch the old school version there are few things that feel very true.

First, it feels like the teams really, really want to win. Watch the way they celebrate, the way they complain, the way they argue and negotiate. They want to win, are excited when they do, and are upset when they lose.

Second, it feels live. It’s not. It’s pre-recorded and edited, but because of the frenetic activity during and between events, the energy of the crowd, and Cosell’s presence down with the teams, made it feel live. This version is edited so cleanly, cuts right to the start of a race, cuts away right at the end. It’s just too pristine to feel real.

It looks much more like Wipeout than Battle of the Network Stars.

Third, the interactions between competitors feel staged. There was a moment when Ronda Rousey is holding DeMarcus Ware (the team coaches who don’t seem to be doing anything at all) from behind while Catherine Bell for JAG pretends to punch him like a heavy bag. It looked like a producer walked up to the three of them and said, “guys, we need something kind of fun to throw in here. Ronda, can you hold him while Catherine pretends to pummel him? Ok. Action!”

Fourth and finally, the trash talk in this version feels very forced. I really believed that Erin Grey did not want to get dunked, and that Robert Conrad really thought Gabe Kaplan and Telly Savalas were just racial stereotypes (Jewish and Greek, respectively) and he wasn’t afraid to say it.

You wanna see some stars taking this seriously? Here

I’m not suggesting that we return to the casual racism of the 1970s, but I need to see that the competitors care about what they’re doing enough to get in each others’ faces in a way that is deeply out of proportion to the importance of winning an athletic competition between people who are not athletes.

The celebrations should be real, the editing should be looser, and the confrontations should uncomfortably real.

I also wouldn’t hate it if some of the stars would finish a relay race and then smoke a cigarette while talking to Greenberg.

Conclusion

Battle of the Network Stars is making me sad because it’s too small, too isolated, to sanitized, and too casual. For this show to be its best self, it needs to be presented like it’s deadly serious, even though we at home know that it’s the dumbest thing in the world.

On What ESPN No Longer Wants To Be, Or Is, As Of Today

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A little over a year ago I went to a conversation at Colombia College here in Chicago between my friend Sam Weller and one of my favorite authors, Chuck Klosterman. This was right around the end of Bill Simmons’ suspension for calling Roger Goodell a liar and then challenging ESPN to suspend him for it.

Klosterman, a friend of Simmons’ and co-founder of Grantland.com, was, of course, asked about Simmons’ suspension and his response was interesting, 100% correct, and extremely prescient. He made the very obvious point that Simmons wasn’t suspended for calling Goodell a liar, so much as he was suspended for publicly challenging his employer to suspend him.

When you go public and dare your employer to discipline you, there’s only one way that can end.

But, the thing he said that really struck me as true, and has turned out to predict the 12 months since then, is that, and I’m paraphrasing here, Bill Simmons is the single most important employee ESPN has from an on-screen and behind the scenes perspective, what with the creation of grantland.com, his incredible popularity, and his guiding hand in the creation of the 30 for 30 series. And he’s not even 1/100th as important as any game they put on the air.

Because sports fans want to watch sports. And they want to watch their team play. I’m an IU fan, and if IU is playing on ESPN, I’m tuning in, whether Bill Simmons, Keith Olbermann, Colin Cowherd, Andy Greenwald, Alex Papademus, Rembert Browne, Chris Ryan, Wesley Morris, Jason Whitlock, or Tony Kornheiser works there.

Btw, if 12 months ago you had Tony Kornheiser in the pool of last in that group to still be working at ESPN you’re now shocked to find that you were right.

Today, ESPN announced that they were pulling the plug on Grantland.com. A move that was inevitable after Simmons’ firing, and the subsequent exodus of all of the talent that made Grantland an innovative place filled with interesting content written by smart people.

ESPN, largely in reaction to the change in how cable channels are making their money (the rise of a la carte programming means fewer subscribers to the cable tiers that house the ESPN family of networks and fewer subscribers means less revenue) and the rising cost of securing the rights to broadcast NFL, NBA, NCAA, and MLB games, has decided to get almost completely out of the business of having smart people create interesting content and focus their money-efforts almost entirely on games, games, and more games.

And this change would make me sad, except all of those smart, interesting, and creative people listed above aren’t dead.

Simmons, after a forced hiatus has reemerged in podcast form and will land on TV again in 2016 on HBO. He’s also hired away some great talent from Grantland.com to help him build his next venture, whatever that is.

Cowherd is now on Foxsports, along with Jason Whitlock, and the Grantland talent that hasn’t followed Simmons has landed elsewhere, like the New York Times, and more of them may be joining him now that Grantland is dead.

Hell, Simmons might be able to lease the Grantland office space back if he wants and hang a new sign on the door. Stranger things have happened.

Since this summer, my podcast feed has started to run dry with The Hollywood Prospectus, BS Report, and Do You Like Prince Movies all ending. And now, with the official end of Grantland, and the return of the Bill Simmons podcast, maybe the others will rise from the ashes as well.

More importantly, maybe they’ll read this and hire me to help them build whatever is next.

Because a place on-line where smart, talented, people write about sports and pop culture is something I need. And someplace I should be working, if we’re being honest about it.

So, I’m sad for the death of Grantland, but from its ashes a number of great things can come that aren’t tied to the subscriber base of cable and satellite providers and the whims of a changing commercial landscape.

And I could work there.

Pagano and Grigson – The Problem No One is Talking About

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The Indianapolis Colts started the season let’s call it, roughly, over the weekend. A 27-14 loss on the road in Buffalo when there isn’t 3 feet of snow covering the field is a poor result. And since then I’ve seen many a tweet about a front office conflict between head coach Chuck Pagano and General Manager Ryan Grigson. I’ve read a few of the articles, the thrust of which is largely, they need squash this, David Silver style.

Screenshot 2015-09-15 09.21.23

But no one has really gotten to, what’s obvious to me, the real root of the problem. Here. Take a look at this picture and tell me if you see it too.

pagano-irsay-grigson

For the uninitiated, that Pagano on the left, team owner, The Mad Tweeter, Jim Irsay in the middle, and Grigson on the left.

You see it yet?

No, it’s not that Grigson looks like he’s going to kill someone, that’s secondary. It’s not that Irsay looks like a tomato. That’s incidental.

Let me answer the question by asking a question.

Have you ever know anything to function properly when three people involved have goatees?

The answer is no.

One goatee is the most any management structure can support at any one time. Any more than that and chaos ensues. There’s an invisibility that comes with having a goatee. A sense of power and a belief that your position both in the organization and in any argument is unassailable. With a goatee you can’t be touched.

If more than one person has a goatee it leads to intractability and an inability to solve problems or get along.

I’ve been doing some research on famous groups and the presence of goatees. Here’s what I found.

The Beatles – George had a goatee from time to time, and there were a lot of beards and mustaches, but never more than one goatee at a time.

Beastie Boys – My man, MCA had a beard like a billie goat, but Mike D and AdRock avoided the goatee.

N.W.A. – Nope. Mostly clean shaven. Dre and Cube have had goatees at various times, but not together. Also, Snoop Dogg often has a goatee, but never at the same time as Dre.

The Dude – Walter had to sport the chin strap to avoid a double goatee situation.

Brad Pitt – Often with a goatee. You think Clooney or Norton is going to sport one too? Not a chance.

Vincent Vega and Jules Winnfield – Just Jules

Star Trek – only Evil Kirk and Evil Spock. But they were evil.

I could go on for days, but I don’t think I need to. The solution is simple. Someone needs to shave. It doesn’t matter who.

Or, someone needs to go full beard. That would would work too.

So, I’m on record. Fix this Colts. One Goatee = Superbowl.

> One Goatee = disaster.

Are you ready for some football?

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Last night I went to an IU football kick off event hosted by the the IU Alumni Association. There was free food, free beer, lots of Hoosiers and special guest speakers.

Athletic Director Fred Glass was there to introduce the main speaker for the night, your coach and mine Bill Lynch.

Lynch spoke for maybe 15 minutes and took some questions from the audience about the Pistol offense, our back up quarterback situation, the new facilities and the outlook for this year’s football team.

But the conversation that I found myself involved in most often, whether it was with the ’73 and ’62 Alumni I sat with during the speech, or with a former Hoosier football player from the Rose Bowl Team and Coach Lynch himself, was about getting the students excited about the team, creating an atmosphere of excitement in Memorial Stadium and generally getting people involved in IU football again.

Or, as I like to think of it, the same conversation Hoosier fans have every year.

There are two ways to get people excited about your program, and we saw both of them work a few years ago. The first, and most important, way is to win.

If IU puts a fun, exciting and successful program on the field people will fill the stadium. You want proof? Go back and watch the Purdue game from 2007. That place was packed with excited fans. Hoosiers want to get excited about IU football, but they need a reason.

Give us a winning football team and watch the fans show up.

The second way, and this is only a short term fix because if the team doesn’t win eventually this won’t do much, is to hire a coach who is vibrant, exciting and a great pitch man for the program. Terry Hoeppner was all of that and more. He was excited about IU football, and he made us excited about it as well.

I’m in no position to tell you if someone is a good X’s and O’s football coach, having never played the game in my life, but I can tell you this. After watching him talk last night and then speaking to him for 15 minutes after that, Bill Lynch does not have the ability to get the fan base fired up.

He may be a great X’s and O’s guy. I can’t say, but the purpose of last night’s event was to get us excited and ready for a great IU football season.

My mood, as I left there last night, can best be described as cautiously optimistic.

I don’t make it to many football games. The drive from Chicago is a bit much to do every week, but I make it to at least one game a year. I do, however, watch every game on TV, which puts me on the high end of the Committed IU Football Fan Scale.

If you can’t make me excited, then you can’t make anyone excited.

The theme song for last night’s event is a little something I like to call Bill Lynch is excited.

It’s my computer reading the lyrics to “I”m so Excited” by the Pointer Sisters while we watch paint dry. Enjoy.

I couldn’t think of a name for this post, so I decided to pretend I’m Fall Out Boy

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Rather than tell you a tale about how the Pilgrims, Indians, Abraham Lincoln, RCN Cable, gainful employment and a flat tire have all conspired to keep me from posting, I’ll just apologize for my tardiness, and promise to do better.

So, we played Cornell on Sunday. I’m getting the feeling that I’m going to view every game as an important indicator of our overall health (I was going to compare it to a yearly prostrate exam, but I feared I would skew too old, so I gave that a pass). That being said, this was an important win for us.

Bob Knight used to look at each game and slot it into one of three categories (and I’m paraphrasing here) 1.) Games we should win 2.) Games we can win if we play our game and 3.) Games that are going to be hard for us to win.

I think our first two wins were games we should have won. Notre Dame was a game that was going to be hard for us to win. St. Joe’s was, I thought, a Type 2, but it turned into a Type 3. Chaminade was a Type 1.

All of wins have been against Type 1 opponents, and we got our asses handed to us against a Type 2 and a Type 3. Cornell was a Type 2. There were a lot of people picking us to lose that game and we handled them pretty well. Our rebounding looked better. Our defense was tougher. We moved the ball better on offense. Nick Williams came alive, thanks in large part to Tom Crean reading what I wrote about the need for Williams to take mid-range jump shots.

Let’s take a break here to talk about the mid-range jump shot. Basketball has become a game of post play and three point shooting. The 15 foot jump shot has largely fallen by the wayside. It’s not as exciting or high percentage as a dunk, and it’s not worth as many points as stepping back five feet. But we’ve not shot very well from outside. We got no head-toppers, everyone we’re going to play, a bunch of mights. With the exception of Pritchard, who is the best freshman big man we’ve had since Alan Henderson, we can’t pass it into the post and expect to score.

Our offense must rely on our ability to drive and dish, but if we don’t show a willingness to pull up from 12-15 feet and hit jump shots, the threat of the drive diminishes considerably. For us to be a successful offensive team we have to move the ball well, shot fake, drive and pull up for mid-range jump shots. People also don’t defend them that well. No one expects them. Them, or the Spanish Inquisition.

So, why else was this win important? Our next two games are Type 3’s and pretty high profile. Getting a confidence boost heading into this week is important, but more important than that, going through a seven game stretch at this point in the season and only having a two point win over Chaminade to show for it would just about crush this team. I think a win against Cornell increased our chances to win one of the next two games roughly 6 fold. (That number was arrived at using the Packer Method, which in short is making up a number to help prove your point. It’s named after Billy Packer, for very good reasons that I’ll have to get into later. Just remember. Packer Method.)

On to other observations. Now that we know he’s alright, I feel it’s safe to say, “YOU GOT KNOCKED THE F*#K OUT, MAN!!!

Verdell Jones (I know he’s VJIII, but as I don’t see much chance you’ll think I was talking about Verdell Jones, Sr. or Jr. I think the III is just unnecessary) got his bell rung. I saw my brother do that to a kid from Madison Shaw High School once. He received roughly the same reaction our fans gave to the Cornell kid. I understand that reaction, but it’s wrong. There was not one thing wrong with that play, except Verdell didn’t see it coming. Keep that in mind the next time you feel like booing a kid in a similar situation. That was just a great screen.

And while we’re talking about cheers. Koudos again for refraining from the Four and Five cheer. I appreciate it. I would like to caution you, however, that when there is a player on the other team who has hit about 75% from three point range and posted a career high on you, chanting airball when he badly misses his 9th attempt of the game just looks stupid. It reminds me of the kid I once coached who made a lay up when we were down by about 45 points and promptly did a cartwheel. It’s just completely situationally unaware.

And lastly, as I feel this post has gotten a bit long, the was no sighting of the Harbaugh Effect on Sunday. I expect a full return as we head back to ESPN, but I think there’s a very simple explanation for this omission.

It’s not as interesting that Tom Crean is married into the Harbaugh’s when every player on the other team is related to someone who once played at IU. I don’t think anyone would bring up the Kennedy’s to Arnold, if everyone in the room was related to the cast of Terminator.

Tonight’s game has no theme song, but this is always worth seeing, especially since I referenced it earlier.

This is the Grey Album of IU posts

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As I abhor the use of the term “perfect storm” to describe every confluence of events that leads to any outcome, I will not try to explain this post as the result of a perfect storm of events. I will say, however, that three games in three days + Thanksgiving travel + parent teacher conferences = hard to write a timely post after each game.

Please accept my apologies, you the teaming masses.

This will be a mash up of thoughts from the St. Joe game and the M. Night Chaminade game.

Only time will tell if this will rise to level of the the Harbaugh Notice, but for the last three games Matt Roth has been compared to Jimmy Chitwood. That’s a completely faulty analogy, by the way. What made Jimmy such a powerful force in Hickory, is when the people were trying to run Coach Dale up the Monan Line Jimmy stepped up and said, “I play. Coach Stays. He goes, I go.” We fired Sampson’s ass and Matt Roth said, “Kelvin Who?”

My hope, heading into Maui, was that we would play hard and be competitive. I knew we’d get beat by Notre Dame, but I had hoped it would be closer than that. I knew very little about St. Joe’s, but I really thought we’d play them closer than that.

In order to hear a story about the last time IU lost two games back to back, by 30+ points, you’d likely have to endure a long and rambling tale where the phrase “He wore an onion on his belt, which was the style at the time. . .” or “We decided to celebrate this sweet event with a big glass of lemon juice, lemons being the sweetest fruit available at the time.”

Phil Martelli looks like smaller version of Peter Boyle.

I like that we don’t have a mascot. Most mascots just stand there, and cheer, maybe dance a bit, but the owl from St. Joe’s kicks ass. Flapping your arms non stop for 2+ hours, three days in a row makes Magnus ver Magnusson look like Woody Allen.

Clearly, we have a lot of problems as a team, but this is what I find encouraging. Most of the things we do poorly can be taught and improved upon.

We don’t close out on three-point shooters at all.

We were right there in that St. Joe’s game until we turned the ball over something like 8 out of 10 possessions in the second half. So, let’s put taking care of the basketball high on the list of things to work on.

We run into each other going for the rebound all the time.

When we drive, stop about six to ten feet out, and either look to pass it, or take the jump shot we’re roughly 14,000x’s more effective than when we push it all the way to the basket. I’d like to suggest drills where the two-foot jump-stop is the focal point.

Speaking of driving, Daniel Moore does a great job of getting into the lane, but prior to the Chaminade game he never looked to shoot. He passes really well, but without the risk of the shot, he’s going to find those passing lanes closed down.

Right now, we are a team full of Derek Colemanesque clutch free throw shooters.

Now comes the silver lining. We played three games, in three games, with little to no chance to practice in between. We now have a lot of information on which to base the next few practices. And the things we don’t do well are fixable, and will undoubtedly improve with practice.

Here is the theme song for the St. Joe’s game, in honor of Phil Martelli.

Here is the theme song for the Chaminade game. It doesn’t have much to do with the game, but it’s the last chance I’ll have to show love to all we love about Hawaii.

What happens when you are really good at “Picture Pages” and are forced to take Calculus?

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  • Starting Daniel Moore was a very good decision.
  • We got good shots early and good penetration throughout, but we missed a lot.
  • Jobe played over two minutes before picking up his first foul. That’s a step in the right direction.
  • 8:48 in the first half. Harbaugh alert!
  • I have no doubt that Matt Roth can shoot the ball from eight steps behind the line, but I’m not convinced he needs to try to prove it every time.
  • We drive so hard to the basket and finish completely out of control. If we could just learn to finish soft, we’d be much more competitive.
  • Tom Pritchard has the makings of a great post player. He knows what he wants to do when he catches the ball and does it quickly. That part of his post game reminds me a lot of Kirk Haston. His move isn’t as quick, but he is decisive and effective.
  • Notre Dame passes the ball really well. We spent a ton of time chasing the ball.
  • Playing three games, back-to-back-to-back, against this kind of competition will be extremely valuable for this group of players, if Coach Crean can keep them playing with pride, regardless of the out come of these games.
  • I absolutely loathe the comparison Bilas just made between this team and the post-Sutton Kentucky Wildcats for reasons that number among the stars, not least of which because of its accuracy.
  • Our offense works a lot better when the drive leads to a kick out and a jump shot than when it ends in us throwing the ball off the backboard with roughly the force of a cannon.
  • Way to get on the ground after the loose ball, Devan Dumes!!
  • You know the game is not a going concern when the announcers begin listing basketball coaches who are good golfers.
  • I’m calling, right now, for the hard recruiting push on Cody Zeller.
  • There’s almost nothing I don’t like about the way Tom Pritchard plays. He doesn’t finish consistently, but that will come.
  • Notre Dame is up by 29 and they are running fast breaks and throwing half court alley oops. Screw you guys. I can’t wait until we can take this out on you. It’s going to be a couple of years, but revenge is a dish best served cold.
  • Nick Williams should only be allowed to shoot mid-range jump shots.
  • The best part about this loss is that we get to flip pretty quick and get on to the next game. Having to sit on this for a few days will be harder for this team than getting up tomorrow morning and suiting up against a different opponent.
  • Kelvin Sampson should have jumper cables hooked up to his genitals.
  • Let’s take a moment to think about what we like about Hawaii. Here’s tonight’s theme song.

I called the English Teacher Daddio

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I don’t know why I do this to myself year after year, but I imagine that many of you do the same thing.

Despite all the evidence that says I shouldn’t do this, I do it anyway.

I hope.

The weather is warm. It’s a great day to be outside. IU football comes up to me and says, “Hey, how about I hold this football and you kick it.”

“Oh, no! I know how this works, you’re going to hold that football there and I’ll come running up to kick it and at the last minute you will pull it away. I’ll miss and end up flat on my back.”

“Not this time,” IU football assures me.

I agree, putting aside all of my years of experience that have informed me to this point, telling me to just walk away cause this IU football is a cruel mistress. I run up and take a big swing at the ball, and sure enough, IU football yanks it away.

I am the Charlie Brown of college football fans.

And what makes it worse, is that last year, in an act of supreme cruelty, the let me kick the ball.

So this year, when they offered to hold the ball for me, I thought, “This is great! They let me kick it last year. They’re sure to hold it steady for me this year. Maybe I’ll even be able to kick this one through the uprights instead of squibbing it.”

But here I sit, bowl hopes gone, lying flat on my back in the middle of a field, the football long since taken away, and I know two things without question.

1.) Hope is a dangerous thing. Hope can drive a man insane.

2.) Next August, I’ll be standing there, rubbing my hands together, just convinced enough that they’ll hold the ball for me to be willing to take another run at it.

Just like being there, without all the good parts

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I haven’t been to Assembly Hall for a basketball game in a few years, not since they’ve installed the super-shiney noew scoreboard in fact. I only mention it because if you never saw a game there prior to the new scoreboard set-up, this won’t make as much sense to you, but imagine if you will.

As a student, when I got my season tickets, here’s how it used to work. You would get eight games. Four of them were good seats, i.e. lower level or floor seating,, and four bad seat games. Mostly that meant balcony. What you never wanted to see on your stub was sections A, F, G, or M above roughly row 36. This would put you on the main level, but high enough up that you were under the balcony. You could see the game, but you’d have to ask the guy three rows down what the score was.

Now, imagine sitting in those seats, and then being forced to shut your eyes every 20 or 30 seconds.

That’s roughly what it was like watching the IU v. Anderson game on the Big Ten Networks live streaming on Friday.

There were no announcers calling the game, which I didn’t really mind so much. Just having the crowd noise and Chuck Crabb made it feel more like being there. There were also no graphics, which meant no score or clock information. After about the first two minutes I had no idea what the score was.

Add to all that wonderful-ness, the streaming was terrible. It was choppy, sometimes it would freeze completely (mostly when we had the ball and were about to score), then it would fast forward the action or just jump forward, there was a strange lag between the audio and the video, so that you would be watching one thing and hear Chuck Crabb call another.

I have no idea how well we played on Friday, and it pisses me off.

Would the Big Ten Network do something for me? I’ll even give you a few choices.

1.) Put the games on TV

2.) Failing that, add the score to the feed so we can at least try to keep up with what’s going on.

3.) Failing both of those options, rerun the game on TV, so at least we can see the game without overcoming your technical problems.

The Big Ten Network is doing a fantastic job of fucking up a perfectly good concept. Koudos, gentlemen. Koudos.

I never thought this day would come

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After years of a complete inability to beat Adam in Fantasy Football, I finally got my first win ever. In the most unlikely of circumstances, with my THREE best running backs not playing and posting a season low poitn total I bested his less than stellar output. In recognition of my being free from this burden. Let's all enjoy some George Michael.

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