The Indianapolis Colts started the season let’s call it, roughly, over the weekend. A 27-14 loss on the road in Buffalo when there isn’t 3 feet of snow covering the field is a poor result. And since then I’ve seen many a tweet about a front office conflict between head coach Chuck Pagano and General Manager Ryan Grigson. I’ve read a few of the articles, the thrust of which is largely, they need squash this, David Silver style.

Screenshot 2015-09-15 09.21.23

But no one has really gotten to, what’s obvious to me, the real root of the problem. Here. Take a look at this picture and tell me if you see it too.


For the uninitiated, that Pagano on the left, team owner, The Mad Tweeter, Jim Irsay in the middle, and Grigson on the left.

You see it yet?

No, it’s not that Grigson looks like he’s going to kill someone, that’s secondary. It’s not that Irsay looks like a tomato. That’s incidental.

Let me answer the question by asking a question.

Have you ever know anything to function properly when three people involved have goatees?

The answer is no.

One goatee is the most any management structure can support at any one time. Any more than that and chaos ensues. There’s an invisibility that comes with having a goatee. A sense of power and a belief that your position both in the organization and in any argument is unassailable. With a goatee you can’t be touched.

If more than one person has a goatee it leads to intractability and an inability to solve problems or get along.

I’ve been doing some research on famous groups and the presence of goatees. Here’s what I found.

The Beatles – George had a goatee from time to time, and there were a lot of beards and mustaches, but never more than one goatee at a time.

Beastie Boys – My man, MCA had a beard like a billie goat, but Mike D and AdRock avoided the goatee.

N.W.A. – Nope. Mostly clean shaven. Dre and Cube have had goatees at various times, but not together. Also, Snoop Dogg often has a goatee, but never at the same time as Dre.

The Dude – Walter had to sport the chin strap to avoid a double goatee situation.

Brad Pitt – Often with a goatee. You think Clooney or Norton is going to sport one too? Not a chance.

Vincent Vega and Jules Winnfield – Just Jules

Star Trek – only Evil Kirk and Evil Spock. But they were evil.

I could go on for days, but I don’t think I need to. The solution is simple. Someone needs to shave. It doesn’t matter who.

Or, someone needs to go full beard. That would would work too.

So, I’m on record. Fix this Colts. One Goatee = Superbowl.

> One Goatee = disaster.