On What ESPN No Longer Wants To Be, Or Is, As Of Today

A little over a year ago I went to a conversation at Colombia College here in Chicago between my friend Sam Weller and one of my favorite authors, Chuck Klosterman. This was right around the end of Bill Simmons’ suspension for calling Roger Goodell a liar and then challenging ESPN to suspend him for it.

Klosterman, a friend of Simmons’ and co-founder of Grantland.com, was, of course, asked about Simmons’ suspension and his response was interesting, 100% correct, and extremely prescient. He made the very obvious point that Simmons wasn’t suspended for calling Goodell a liar, so much as he was suspended for publicly challenging his employer to suspend him.

When you go public and dare your employer to discipline you, there’s only one way that can end.

But, the thing he said that really struck me as true, and has turned out to predict the 12 months since then, is that, and I’m paraphrasing here, Bill Simmons is the single most important employee ESPN has from an on-screen and behind the scenes perspective, what with the creation of grantland.com, his incredible popularity, and his guiding hand in the creation of the 30 for 30 series. And he’s not even 1/100th as important as any game they put on the air.

Because sports fans want to watch sports. And they want to watch their team play. I’m an IU fan, and if IU is playing on ESPN, I’m tuning in, whether Bill Simmons, Keith Olbermann, Colin Cowherd, Andy Greenwald, Alex Papademus, Rembert Browne, Chris Ryan, Wesley Morris, Jason Whitlock, or Tony Kornheiser works there.

Btw, if 12 months ago you had Tony Kornheiser in the pool of last in that group to still be working at ESPN you’re now shocked to find that you were right.

Today, ESPN announced that they were pulling the plug on Grantland.com. A move that was inevitable after Simmons’ firing, and the subsequent exodus of all of the talent that made Grantland an innovative place filled with interesting content written by smart people.

ESPN, largely in reaction to the change in how cable channels are making their money (the rise of a la carte programming means fewer subscribers to the cable tiers that house the ESPN family of networks and fewer subscribers means less revenue) and the rising cost of securing the rights to broadcast NFL, NBA, NCAA, and MLB games, has decided to get almost completely out of the business of having smart people create interesting content and focus their money-efforts almost entirely on games, games, and more games.

And this change would make me sad, except all of those smart, interesting, and creative people listed above aren’t dead.

Simmons, after a forced hiatus has reemerged in podcast form and will land on TV again in 2016 on HBO. He’s also hired away some great talent from Grantland.com to help him build his next venture, whatever that is.

Cowherd is now on Foxsports, along with Jason Whitlock, and the Grantland talent that hasn’t followed Simmons has landed elsewhere, like the New York Times, and more of them may be joining him now that Grantland is dead.

Hell, Simmons might be able to lease the Grantland office space back if he wants and hang a new sign on the door. Stranger things have happened.

Since this summer, my podcast feed has started to run dry with The Hollywood Prospectus, BS Report, and Do You Like Prince Movies all ending. And now, with the official end of Grantland, and the return of the Bill Simmons podcast, maybe the others will rise from the ashes as well.

More importantly, maybe they’ll read this and hire me to help them build whatever is next.

Because a place on-line where smart, talented, people write about sports and pop culture is something I need. And someplace I should be working, if we’re being honest about it.

So, I’m sad for the death of Grantland, but from its ashes a number of great things can come that aren’t tied to the subscriber base of cable and satellite providers and the whims of a changing commercial landscape.

And I could work there.

What Playboy Can Learn From Krusty the Clown

This morning, the world awoke to the news that as of March 2016 Playboy magazine would no longer publish pictures of naked women in their magazines. Not for any new-found morality about the female bosom, but because there’s just no money in it anymore.

Scott Flanders, Playboy’s CEO, told the New York Times. “You’re now one click away from every sex act imaginable for free. And so it’s just passé at this juncture.”

It seems that playboy.com went non-nude a while ago, and they’ve found their web traffic increase and their demographic skew younger. But the reaction I’ve seen all over is confusion as to the point of having Playboy without the single defining characteristic of Playboy. And that’s a fair response.

Would you go to Starbucks anymore if they stopped selling coffee?

So, where does Playboy magazine go from here?

I’m sure they have a plan, but I’d like to offer a suggestion. And it’s one that proved successful over 20 years ago for a famous show within another cartoon show.

In the season three finale of The Simpsons, Krusty the Clown got some direct competition from Gabbo, a ventriloquist dummy show. His rating dipped and Krusty Gets Kancelled.

Worried about the idol, Bart and Lisa find Krusty standing on a street corner, holding a sign reading, “Will Drop Pants for Food.”

Bart asks Krusty, “Are you making any money?”

“Nah,” Krusty replied, “That guy’s giving it away for free.”

Will drop pants for food

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

So, Krusty called all of his famous friends, and they put together an All-Star TV Extravaganza, Krusty’s Comeback Special. 

The Red Hot Chili Peppers performed.

Johnny Carson juggled cars

Sideshow Luke Perry got shot out of a canon

Bette Midler sings with Krusty

And HUGH HEFNER PLAYED PETER AND THE WOLF ON WINE GLASSES!

Playboy has the same problem. There’s nothing wrong with what they’re offering, but there’s a guy right in front of them giving it away for free. Same problem. Same solution.

So, playboy, look no further than your own board room.

Host an all-star magazine extravaganza, have Bette Midler sing a song, censor the Red Hot Chili Peppers lyrics, shoot Luke Perry out of a canon, and get Hef to play the wine glasses.

Is there a better solution out there? Hef has already done this once, and Playboy’s CEO is named Flanders for the love of doodily.

It put Krusty back on top (it didn’t hurt that Gabbo called the kids in his audience “SOBs” with a live mic, so maybe have the free porn sites say something mildly offensive to drive away their audience as well).

If Playboy can pull this off, they’ll be swimming in ruby-crusted clown noses.

The Gen-X Response to the VMAs

Last night we finished the marathon that is Margaret and then I hopped over to Netflix to watch S1 Ep.9 of Orange is the New Black. At some point in the evening, I hopped on Twitter and saw that the MTV VMA’s was going on. This has become my annual tradition; discovering that the VMAs are on via some form of universal Twitter reaction. This suits me fine.

Here’s what I know about this year’s VMAs.

My Twitter feed is glad to be done with the VMAs.

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The Greatest Time in our history

mrt_nancyAll credit to The Daily Show for putting this image on television Tuesday night. I know that they had other things to cover, but they did not give this picture it’s propers when it got home. They could, no should, have spent the entire 22 minutes on this picture.

Let me break down for you the reasons this may be the greatest photo ever taken.

1.) There was a time in our country’s history where Mr. T was such a big star that the First Lady sat on his lap while he was dressed in a Santa suit. Try to pick the biggest TV star today and put Michelle Obama on his lap. I can’t do it. I can’t come up with anyone who is even close to that famous.

2.) This photo doesn’t happen unless the political beliefs of Nancy Reagan and Mr. T are perfectly aligned. That sentence is just funny.

3.) Look at their feet. Nancy has little red puffy balls on her shoes and Mr. T’s are held together by duct tape.

4.) In a world where Mr. T is Santa, everyone, regardless of their position in the world, gets Mr. T related toys for Christmas. “Merry Christmas Foo’ Here’s a Mr. T doll.” People are giving Obama shit for giving the Queen of England an iPod. At least it wasn’t an Obama action figure with the words “Gentle Giant” written on the front.

5.) President Reagan is being held back by secret service just off camera because just prior to Nancy sitting on Mr. T’s lap, Mr. T looked at Nancy and said, “Hey, Woman. Hey, Woman! Listen here. Since your old man ain’t got no heart, maybe you like to see a real man. I bet you stay up late every night dreamin’ you had a real man, don’t ya? I’ll tell you what. Bring your pretty little self over to my apartment tonight, and I’ll show you a real man.”

6.) Right after this picture was taken, Mr. T cut down that tree behind them. And every other tree in the White House. The neighbors were pissed.

7.) And finally, Mr. T and the Reagan administration have been linked in my mind and heart for well over 20 years now. I can’t tell you the number of times I went to school on a Wednesday morning really, really pissed at Ronald Reagan for having a press conference at 8pm the night before and pre-empting the A-Team. All the while they were working together.

Not Necessarily the News

The news has been over run the last few days with stories about Jett Travolta’s death. It is a truly sad thing for his parents and sister to have to go through.

I cannot make the argument that this is not news. Deaths are almost always news worthy. The death of children even more so. And the death of a celebrity’s child trumps all of those things.

You know what isn’t news; when other celebrities give their condolences.

I have seen news stories about how Oprah, Tim Allen, Kate Hudson, Lisa Marie Presley, Forest Whitaker, Billy Ray Cyrus and one of the Backstreet Boys have all come out to express their condolences. They are not wrong for expressing their sympathies to the family. I’m not even saying their wrong for doing it publicly (I’m fairly certain most of these people can’t think of any other way to do anything).

I’m just saying it’s not news. Everyone feels sympathy for a family who has lost a loved one. The news is for things of vast import or rare events. Not for things that everyone is doing all the time.

It would have been news if one of these celebrities had come out and laughed at the Travoltas, or pointed and laughed. That would have been cruel and heartless, but it would have been news.

In your face, Galileo Galilei!

For those of you who are stuck with your the outmoded belief that the Catholic Church is horribly behind the times and culturally stagnant, I present for your approval irrefutable scientific proof that they are, in fact, “with it.”

While it took the Vatican somewhere in the neighborhood of 360 years to change their stance on Galileo’s outrageous stance that the Earth was not the center of the universe, it only took them, or at least their newspaper, 32 years to get over John Lennon’s statement that the Beatles were more popular than Jesus Christ.

[Insert sarcastic applause here]

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