Before I get back to my USA Up All Night mission, I need to take a moment to address the one thing everyone expects me to address. Namely, The Unauthorized Beverly Hills 90210 Story.

Of course I watched it.

I have almost no idea what this was supposed to be. But I can tell you a few things it could have been that would have been better.

  1. An open apology to Douglas Emerson for pretending like he didn’t exist.
  2. An even bigger “you’re welcome” to Douglas Emerson for pretending he didn’t exist.
  3. A two-hour interview with Lucy Liu on what it was like to work at the Peach Pit.
  4. A conversation with Matt Durning’s sweater vests.
  5. Ray Pruit: Behind the Music
  6. The Derrick Driscoll Man hunt.
  7. The lost episode of Oz that was focused on Colin Robbins.
  8. A full concert of all of David Silver’s songs performed in their entirety.
  9. A trial of the hairdresser that did that to Emily Valentine’s hair when she kept Brandon for catching fire with Kelly.
  10. A conversation with Felice Martin on why she’s voting for Donald Trump in 2016, because you know she is.
  11. A full day shadowing Arnold Arnold at work.
  12. Dylan McKay actually reading Byron: The Collected Works.
  13. A 30 for 30 on the playing career of D’Shawn Hardell.
  14. An evening with Tuck, 20 years later.
  15. A lock-in at Shaw High School.
  16. A forensic accounting of all the money every owner of the Peach Pit After Dark lost over the years.
  17. An investigative report into the spray tan machine that turned Donna Martin orange for Steve’s 21st birthday party.
  18. Two hours of Morton Muntz in a sombrero.
  19. Diesel Stone playing the keytar on a continuous loop.
  20. Nat hosting a cooking class

That’s 20 things that would have been better than this lifetime tire fire.